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SARAH PALIN: A SIX-POINT PLAN FOR HER DEBATE WITH JOSEPH BIDEN

 

By C. Antonio Romero

SAN FRANCISCO, 19 SEPTEMBER 2008 — It's so unfair that Sarah Palin is being besmirched for her association with the infamous Ted Stevens "Bridge to Nowhere" project. After all, she resisted the actual construction of the bridge (though she kept the federal funds earmarked for it).

As she ascends to the national stage, however, she will need to address loftier policy goals from the bully pulpit of the vice presidency. And she will need to address questions about her policy plans during the vice-presidential debate.

On domestic policies, she is sure to be asked about problems like the American mortgage crisis, the unemployment accompanying the collapse of the national construction boom, homelessness, the need to combat global warming, civil rights for ethnic minorities, and education.

On foreign policy, she will no doubt be pressed on plans to protect our border with Russia, the foreign country of which she has such special knowledge; and on defense she will have to strengthen the American military.

As a leading voice of her party and a person of special integrity, she will also need answers that call upon the traditional American and especially Alaskan pioneer spirit of self-reliance, jazz-like improvisation and innovation.

This is a pretty tall order. Culturekiosque would like to helpfully propose the following elegant solution to all of these problems:

1: Promote reading by distributing free copies of the following book on green construction materials and techniques from leading conservative futurist Norbert E. Yankielun:

2: Involve private enterprise by enclosing vouchers in each book that can be used for discounted purchases of shovels at Wal-Mart or Home Depot. (American jobs could be created by manufacturing shovels locally - and we will need them to dig out of the mess we're in.)

3: Have self-reliant, homeless, unemployed Americans build Ice McMansions on public land along the eastern shore of Alaska and the Aleutians. Several designs will be offered, each a scale replica of one of the homes of Senator McCain, embellished with authentic native Alaskan architectural and sculptural details.

This will encourage them to protect the environment of which they are now a part. It will also reduce their SUV usage and commute time (after all, there are no roads, and no bridges back from nowhere), which will cut our reliance on foreign oil, lower greenhouse gas emissions and increase time families spend together at home.

4: Homeless veterans could be given preferential placement in the program. Issue them free guns, and use the newly fortified and manned defensive perimiter of McMansions to keep the Russkies at bay. At the same time, they can exercise humane animal control of the exploding Caribou population, and fight obesity and diabetes by subsisting on a low-carb diet of wild game and locally grown plant matter. Charming recipes for venison will be provided by the governor's former personal chef.

5. Enlist non-veterans and vets alike in the Alaska National Guard to provide them with jobs, or volunteer them for the Army, and form a special Polar Command. To improve healthcare, fund the VA hospital system with earmark money.

6: Any new Alaskan residents requiring additional income can be offered work drilling for oil under their new houses.

This elegant combination of solutions should address most of our country's ills, and is sure to leave Joe Biden speechless during their debate.

Its only downside: it would flood Alaska with angry, dispossessed people who, finding themselves exiled to Siberia, might choose to vote Democratic in future elections.

How to Build an Igloo: And Other Snow Shelters
By Norbert E. Yankielun

Illustrations by Amelia Bauer
Paperback: 208 pages
100 line drawings
Norton, W. W. & Company, Inc. (November 2007)
ISBN-13: 9780393732153
$15.95

C. Antonio Romero is the Nouveau and Technology editor of Culturekiosque.com. He last wrote Unique Brand of Vitriol: Selling Fear and Obama Waffles as "Satire".

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